If you’re HIV positive or 100 years old and can’t wait to die but too pussy to kill yourself, then there’s one place you can go to that would surely drive you to your death! Go to the SMART branch at Festival Mall and make sure to ask for Chai. She’s the ugly bitch who looks like she swallowed a couch. Don’t let the thick eye glasses fool you! Ms. Chai may appear to be smart but truth is my dead pet fish is smarter than she is. The irony is, she works for a company called “Smart”- LOL.LMAO,LMFAO.
Before I start to offend the hundreds of homosexual employees of SMART, let me assure you that I have nothing against your products. I have a mobile subscription from you guys and I have no complaints with the internet service you provide me. It’s your fucking customer service that really gets to me! I’d let this one slip if it happened to me once.
Let me begin with my story so you’d understand why I’m ranting again. It all began one night when I called SMART Bro customer service and inquired about their retention promos. The whore told me that I was eligible to get a smart prepaid kit and the cost of that kit would be amortized for 12 months. So that would be an additional 100+.
If you come to think of it, it’s not really a reward since you still have to pay for the mother fucking kit, right? But what the hell, since my dad is always out of town, I decided to get that “promo” (my eyes rolling) and give the kit to my dad so he could use the internet to surf porn when he is out of town (kidding about my dad surfing for porn, but who knows hehe). So anyway, I asked 200 times if I’m really eligible for that “promo” (roll your eyes w/ me) and cock bitch whore said yes.
I called the customer hotline again just to verify because I’m really dubious when it comes to Smart “customer service” reps since I have had more than two instances that they told me something about a promo that I am qualified for only to find out it was a totally different thing once I get to their hub, which made me look like a fucking idiot. I just wanted to be really sure. But like the rep earlier said, I am eligible; I can go to any smart hub and avail of that retention “promo” (come on peeps! Roll your eyes harder!).
This morning I went to a SMART hub inside a mall near my place to avail the retention package that the two customer bitches rep promised that I am oh so qualified for. In all fairness, the bitch at the hub was sweet. She apologized, explaining that they ran out of stock, but promised to contact me immediately as soon as they get one. Since patience is not my virtue, I asked the sweet bitch on the counter for the exact or estimated date when she would call but she just flashed me her whorey smile and said “di ko pa sigurado eh, wala dito yung nakakaalam nag lunch ata.” (I can’t say, the person in-charge is not here, she went out for lunch, I guess).
In return, I grinned wider showing her my fangs. I fucking know that all employees of SMART are issued with a service unit they can use for BUSINESS purposes. She could easily text or call that person using her service unit. But no, that’s way too much service for a customer like me. But I just let it pass since I’m not really a mean person.
Honestly! I am not a mean person who likes terrorizing customer service reps, waiters, cashiers and 7-11 cashiers (yes, 7-11 cashiers are special; they’d rather not make a sale than break your 500 bill). I always make sure I ask politely and nicely. I’m a fucking Sarah Geronimo on restaurants! I always say “po” “salamat po”, “excuse me boss”. So anyway, sweet bitch made a note and gave me a slip. I said thanks and left.
I really wanted that prepaid kit for my dad. So I went to Festival Mall, hoping that they had stock. If not, I would avail of the plan 799 thing. I have an ID and a proof of billing with me, anyway. It took me 30 minutes to get to that other mall. Yes, it was sort of traffic, but I didn’t mind. When I got to that other mall, I ate lunch first then went to the Smart hub. I got a ticket number and when I looked at the queue board, I was fifth on line. After three minutes, the queue called the first two tickets before me, but I guess they already left. So they called the third on queue and she was served.
Like I said, I’m not a patient person. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s waiting. Since I’m the second on cue, I decided to stand up and wait so I can let other people take the seat. See! That’s how fucking considerate I am! But I started to get a little bit irritated after 20mins; then it became 45mins, I was still standing up, staring at the queue board, praying to Gods to hear that “ding!” and so that the cue would move.
After an hour of waiting, I was really pissed off! I was cursing everybody inside the hub and praying for an earthquake so that we’d all die inside. I felt my ears becoming hotter and hotter every second. I was trying my best not to snap. I tried counting one to one billion. But when I reached sixty, I got even madder, realizing that I wasted another fucking minute waiting!
When It reached an hour and a half, I could barely hold in my rage. I was giving all the customer service reps the “I-will-fucking-chop-you-into-pieces-and-feed-you-to-my-dogs-then-eat-my-dog-alive” eye. I was already talking to some of the people inside the hub, influencing them to get as mad as I am. Some of the people were influenced, but most of them ignored me and pretended I wasn’t there.
I think my eyes turned red by the time I realized that I was waiting for two whole fucking hours. I wanted blood at that time. I seriously wanted to go Columbine massacre on their asses. My imagination ran wild as I think of how I would laugh and dance around their dead bodies. I could almost hear them screaming as I stab their eyes with those wifi plug-in thingy.
After two fucking hours and a half, my number was finally called. I calmed myself down and told the bitch that they kept me waiting for two and a half hours. She apologized, and I accepted since, I knew it wasn’t her fault that their team was too fucking slow; that their team took an hour to accommodate one customer. No, it was not her fault…It’s just how things are! If there’s anyone to blame, it’s God, or fate, or me for being a customer of SMART. I have no mother fucking right to get mad because it’s not their fault! I should understand that it will take them 2 hours and half to call my ticket because I am third in on the cue.
I should even be licking their asses and giving them hand jobs because it only took two and a half hours for me to wait. Can you imagine if I was fourth or sixth on cue? I’d have to wait like two days, or hope the people before me would drop dead from waiting for their number to be called so you could move up.
So anyway, I didn’t unleash my wrath at Ms. Chai. Instead, I accepted her apology and went down to business. Seriously, there’s no point on bitching, I just wanted to get the fucking prepaid kit and get out of the hub (before I leave a time bomb). So I told her my concern and she was helpful at first, but then she asked me to wait again since she needs to go inside to check on something. After two years (also known as ten minutes), she came back with some bad news. She said they too ran out of stock. I put my index finger and thumb on my eyes. I took a deep breath and exhaled.
“You made me wait for 2 and a-half hours just to tell me that?” I said in a low voice.
“Sir because…”
“You wasted two and a half hours of my time and you seriously think that I’d leave here empty handed?” I cut her off. I was still holding my eyes with my index finger and thumb. I couldn’t bare to see her face, I was fighting back tears of frustration, disappointment and anger. I was trying to hold my rage. I was afraid to look at her, I might snap and grab the canister on her table and throw it at her.
“Sir, I just checked with SM Muntinlupa, they have a stock there. I already reserved it under your name,” Ms. Chai said in a squeaky voice, she could feel my anger and is afraid that I might burst any moment.
“Ok, please make sure that the unit is available, tell them to wait for me because I have no plans on waiting on a cue.”
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
I got up left the hub shaking. It took me my everything not to go on a killing frenzy. I asked one of the guards to give me directions how to get to SM Muntinlupa and surprise surprise! I had to ride a fucking jeep because there weren’t FXs, buses, trikes or peddicabs to go there. I’m a commuter, but I’m never really fond of riding a jeep especially if you’re going to pass by Alabang!
If you love inhaling dust and smoke, then Alabang is your paradise. The never ending construction of walk-ways, over passes and toll gates makes that place a hundred times polluted than Quiapo! In all fairness to Quiapo, they have an historic church to brag about, while Alabang has a gigantic 4th class mall that used to be fucking a cemetery.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I took a mother fucking jeep going to SM Muntinlupa and we passed by asthma hell also known as Alabang. The traffic was a bitch and for the second time of the day, I wanted to cry out of frustration. Finally after being stuck in traffic for an hour and inhaling a sack of dust I finally got to my destination. It wasn’t that big and I can see why I never heard of SM Muntinlupa. I went to the second floor and immediately saw the SMART hub.
I went inside and the guard was giving me another queue ticket number. I smiled at him and politely said “No. I’m just here to pick up something.” He asked what was it and I just told him that the “customer service” people already knew about it. All he needed to know was my name. The guard went to the counter to talk to a lady customer rep and she called my name.
“What can I do for you?” she asked with a smile.
“I’m here to pick up the unit. I believe SMART Festival mall called you up regarding my concern?”
“Yes you’re here for the unit,” she stated what was already obvious.
“No, I’m here to fuck you bareback,” I thought to myself and smiled at her and gave her the forms that Ms. Fuck face Chai told me to give the rep. She stood up, asked me to wait for a couple of minutes while she checked if they still had stock left. I felt a sharp pang of irritation.
After two minutes, she came back from wherever she went to and said that they ran out of stock and that did it for me. The frustration, the effort, the disappointment, the anger was just too much for me to handle and I snapped.
“Putang ina, tawagan mo yung Festival Mall!” (“Damn it! Call up your Festival Mall branch!”) I wasn’t screaming, but my voice was loud and harsh. The lady was shocked and immediately took out her service unit.
“Sir, sino po ung nakausap niyo sa Festival Mall?” (“Who handled your transaction at Festival Mall, sir?), she stammered.
“Di ko kilala.” (“I don’t know.”) I could feel my head throbbing with anger (head=face, not the head down there)
“Babae o lalaki?” (“Was it a male or female agent?”), she asked.
“Babae, may salamin” (“A woman wearing glasses”), I massaged my forehead using my index finger and thumb, trying to calm myself.
“Ah. Si Chai,” (“Oh, that was Chai,”) she muttered and dialed her phone.
I closed my eyes breathing heavily while I massaged my forehead. Gush of memories came pouring down on me, the two and a half hours wait, the fucker who promised me that they already reserved the unit for me, the jeepney ride, the dust in Alabang, the bitch of a traffic going to SM muntinlupa and the traffic I have to face when I go back home.
“Sir, eto na po,” (“She’s here on the other line, sir”) the lady handed me her cellphone and I immediately took it.
“Hello, sir?” I heard a woman’s voice.
“Ikaw ba nakausap ko kanina?” (Were you the one I talked to earlier?) I asked in a loud voice that the other customer inside the hub heard.
“Sir, opo,” (“Yes, sir”) she said.
“Pinapunta mo ko dito sa Muntinlupa at sinabi mo na merong unit na pinareserve tapos wala? Pinag antay ninyo ko ng dalawa’t kalahating oras jan tapos wala din naman pala?” (“There’s no available unit here! You told me to come here to pick up a unit you reserved for me! This is what I get after you make me wait for two and half hours there for nothing!”) My voice was definitely loud.
The customers inside the hub were now starring at me. Some were smiling, some shaking their heads. I think they were thinking how tacky I was. But at that moment, I didn’t care what the other people thought about me. I couldn’t careless about them.
“Kasi po, sir…” (“Sir, it’s…”) Chai the bitch of a fucker was trying to butt in.
“Tang ina ka, hindi pa ko tapos mag salita, wag mo kong sapawan,” (Shut up! I’m not done talking, bitch,”) I snapped.
By this time, everybody was silent and looking at me.
“Ang ayos ayos ng usapan natin kanina, tapos gagaguhin mo ko. Inaksaya mo oras ko at pinagod mo pa ko!” (“You screwed me! You’ve wasted my time and had me dog-tired with this shit!”) I couldn’t control the volume of my voice anymore. I was even surprised at how loud I was…and I wasn’t even shouting yet.
“Sir, makinig po kayo,” (“Sir, please listen,”) she tried to reason.
“Hindi pa ko tapos, wag ka bastos.” (I’m not done, rude fucker”) I shut her out.
“Sir kasi…” (Sir, its…”) she tried to butt in.
“Shadap” (“Shut up!”) I cut her off and the line went dead.
“Potang ina!” (“Bitch!”) I shouted out of frustration and I threw the cellphone at the table. The lady gasped and the guard was automatically beside me. I knew I was making a scene, but I just couldn’t control myself! I already reached my limit and the bitch Chai dropped my call!
“Tawagan mo ulit sha,” (“Call her back,”) I made an effort not to scream but my voice was still loud. The lady was as white as a corpse. She dialed without saying a word. After a couple of minutes she looked at me with pleading eyes and said that Chai was no longer answering her phone.
“Bastos ang putang ina. Paki text sabihin mo papunta ako ng Festival Mall ngayon at mag antay sha dun,” (“What a rude bitch! Text her and tell her to wait for me at Festival mall. I’m on my way!”) I commanded her and like a slave bitch she did in hurry.
I asked for her name and she said that her name was Chona. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity, I couldn’t move! I was too frustrated to move I could still feel the urge to throw something or destroy something. We sat there silent. Chona was busy texting or maybe she was pretending to text and was waiting for me to calm down.
When I regained my composure I asked Chona’s help. I told her everything, from the phone call I made to the two and a half hours wait I did. She was confused about the unit.
“Sir, ang pinareserve nya po sa akin is cellphone unit ung Nokia 108,” (Sir, what she told me to reserve for you was a Nokia 108 unit,”) she told me
“No, hindi ko kelangan ng karag karag na cellphone, meron na akong sariling karag karag na telepono,” (“No, I don’t need another trashy phone,”) I showed her my super low end nokia phone.
“Ang gusto ko yung plug it prepaid wifi, ung nasa retention promo niyo,” (What I need is the plug it prepaid wifi under your retention promo,”) I said calmly.
“Ah sir, wala po kami ganun na promo eh,” (“We don’t have that kind of promo, sir,”) Chona said extra polite, so not to tick me off again.
“Yung tinanong ko sa customer service hotline yun ung sinabi sakin. Dalawa pa nakausap ko na representative at confirm nila na yun yung promo,” (But that was what I was told by your customer service agent. I even called twice to confirm the promo,”) I explained.
“Sir, naalala niyo po ba pangalan ng mga nakausap ninyo?” (“Do you remember their names?”) she asked sounding irritated at the customer reps I talked to.
“Pangalan mo nga nakalimutan ko na, kakassabi mo lang sakin, yung pang nakausap ko sa telepono,” (“I couldn’t even remember your name, which you just told me just seconds ago,”) I told her.
“Sir kasi wala po talaga kaming ganyan na promo. Ito po yung promo namin o” (“We really don’t offer that kind of promo, sir. This is what we’re offering,”) she moved the monitor of her CPU and showed me the retention promo for broadband.
She was right! The only promo there is a fucking ugly low end nokia phone that I have to add an additional 600+ on my bill for the next 12 months or a photo printer which is useless since I don’t own a camera (digital or analog) and a fucking memory stick for Php100+ for the next couple months.
I went through all the hassle for nothing?! I just reached another low at that point. I wansn’t mad at Chona. By far she was the most helpful customer service I’ve talked to. What the fucking hell is wrong with the customer service of SMART! How can they fucking work for SMART if most of them are idiots! Fucking idiots!
I wanted to laugh because everything was a waste of time and energy! I have exhausted my time and energy for a fucking joke! I decided to go with the fucking memory stick since I lost mine at work. Chona said that I have to pick it up at Alabang Town Center since they have no unit available at the moment. I was too tired to get angry. So I just told her that I’ll just pick it up after I dropped by and have another bitch fit at Festival Mall. I asked her to write the full name of Chai and her full name as well because I’m planning on writing a formal complaint letter to SMART Communications.
I went out of the mall feeling drained and tired. I have to fucking ride another jeep and inhale another sack of dust to get to Alabang. K (Bloomberg) called me while I was riding the jeep so I didn’t notice the traffic that much. But it’s hard not to notice the thick air you breathe when you’re in Alabang.
I decided not to go to Festival mall or Alabang Town Center since I was too tired. I could feel my eyes dropping and I felt my energy falling every step I took. I stopped at a store to light a smoke to further pollute my already polluted lungs and drink a cold soda to give me that sugar rush.
I took an air-conditioned bus going south, and after I paid my fare I drifted to sleep. I didn’t have a dream. It was just black. No emotions, no thoughts, no sound-nothing. It’s as if I never existed. When I opened my eyes, for a nano second my mind was clear and then I started to remember who I am, where I was and what just happened.
I got home eventually and made this long post. As I’m typing this, I realized that I’m too old to bitch fit. It’s a good thing that I was too drained to go back to Festival Mall just to rant. No, I haven’t forgiven Chai, I will still file a fucking complaint on her ass. That bitch was not only useless, she needs to learn some customer service. But I’m glad that I didn’t come to see her again. She should be fucking happy as well, as a matter of fact she should be lighting candles at Baclaran and Quiapo that she wasn’t there to experience my rage.
I have learned three things from this experience: 1st, SMART Festival Mall should be burned with Chai in it. 2nd, Do not trust Smart Customer Service Call Center Agents, they are not only useless, they are parasites and third, switch to Globe or Sun. Their service may suck but I don’t think it’s as bad as SMART.
P.S.
If your name is Chai and you work as a customer service front linner for Smart at Festival Mall, please click this.
***NOTE: CHONA's real name is Lissa Flores, and as for dumb bitch, her real name is Chai Y_but***
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