?!?!?

Change is something, that I never really liked. For the past 28 years-I have always thought of myself as someone who'd just sail through life. There were alot of ups and downs but there has always been something that remained as it is...until now. I have been through a lot of deep shit, lost alot of battles, failed countless of times and rejected- During those trying times, I have felt defeat, lost and weary but there is always something to look forward to that I know deep down If I could just hibernate for while-take a breather then I'm up for the next challenge of this so called fucking life.

2012, the blue pill has worn off its effect. No more escaping from what is infront of me. Now, I say good bye to a life I thought I had and say hello to reality. Now, I pay for the consequences for the years of not taking responsibility. The time has come for me to jump off the boat and swim in the icy cold waters of adulthood. Am I ready? I have to say YES, but deep down, I'm not okay but I have to do this. This is the perfect timing to REALLY move on to the next chapter of my life. I know it's going to be tough, I know it will make me want to put a bullet in my brain but fuck! This is what I have to do...Come to think of it, THIS IS WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE YEARS AGO!

I look around me and I realize, I am being left behind...Not that I compare myself to others but surely who'd want to be left behind? I shouldn't be catching up-but I should be keeping up. I am saying goodbye to the life I though I once have and say hello to the life WANT to have. Everybody should start from the beginning, sad to say--it is only now that I am really starting. I hope I am not too late. I'm just hoping that at the end, I come out of this a better, stronger person.

The Start of this year wasn't the best but I'm wishing that the ending of this year wouldn't the same. In this trying times, It is hard to see whats infront of you--but now I just realized, I am thankful that I have a wonderful partner who may not be as vocal as he wants to be, but is quietly routing for me--for us. He is my family right now. He is my home. For that I thank God for giving me 1 person to be on my side.

This morning, I attended a surprise party for my Aunt. I couldn't help but feel emotional when she saw all her friends and family in one room cheering for her. It was her first time to ever experience a surprise party. I felt love in the air and I couldn't help but feel jealous...Not of her-but my cousins (her daughters and son). Why can't she be mom? I am not saying I am the perfect son, and I know people are rolling their eyes thinking "How could you ask for such a thing?!" But believe me, it is also true that kids never asked to be born---they were pre-assigned to their parents. Had I known when I was fetus, I would have grabbed that umbilical cord and tied it around my neck.

We were never asked to be born but here we are and we make the most of it. Some are destined for greatness, and some are just...well...destined. Have you seen that coke comercial? "Hanapin mo magpapasaya sayo?" Thats alot of bull crap. For the past 28 years I have lived with that premis and take a look at me now? I am not saying I'm all bad....I don't know, I really can't say! I guess in the end-thats where we get measured.

I'm suppose to say something profound and enlightening but I'm lost for words. All I can think of is FUCK!!!! SAVE ME!!! FAST FORWARD TO 2013 or the end of the world. I know I'll be fine. Thats the funny part of being human...We adapt to our environment...Thats what we have been doing since the beginning of time. Of course someday I'll think of this very moment and laugh it off-but its the process of getting to be okay is whats killing me...That plus the fact that when that faithful day arrives....Will be laughing at the side of a street corner covered in grease almost naked and insane? or will I be laughing it off at the roof top of my penthouse overlooking all my slaves worshiping me? SEE!!! I'm almost delusional already lolz.

One of my strengths is that I can read people. I am quick to analyze and make snap decisions turn into reality. Unfortunately, my situation right now, I can only make assumptions. I guess, its time to lay off the blue pill...time to sober up, put on your best fighting face even if you feel you can't do it and just charge! At the end, some will die, some will conquer but all did try their best.